My First sub

(Some names and places have been changed to protect the innocent and filthy) 

It was late 1999.  I was horny, as usual so fired up the PC.  It was dial up so it was torturous to stream any video, let alone porn!  So the porn had to be spectacular, to be worth the wait.

I don't remember what possessed me but I remember seeing a video on the website with the words 'abuse' and 'slut'. I got curious and clicked.  After a few minutes, which probably seemed a lifetime in comparison to today's broadband speeds, I was ready to watch, and hopefully wank.

It was my first BDSM video.  And my God, it was amazing.

Chains, flogging, anal, spanking... Where had this been my whole life?? I do remember cumming pretty fast (unusual for me, I could last for hours, just masturbating) and pausing the video, so I could watch it later without having to go back and suffer the sodding 'buffering'.

Over the next few days, I tried to watch as many of these videos as I could. Found the term 'BDSM' and was researching the term as best I could.  Bear in mind, that back then, Google was not the all-powerful entity it is now, and Wikipedia didn't exist, so some of my research was in libraries, magazines...  I rapidly realised that reading about it, learning of the intricacies and the psychological aspect of Dominating and submission would only get me so far.  I needed to bounce thoughts, ideas, opinions and kinks off other people.

I needed a sub to play with.

I joined a few message boards and chatrooms, calling myself the very inventive 'Kev24'. God, my imagination was astounding.  Now, anyone that's ever used these things will know that they are rife with trolls. Was back then, worse now. You can be anyone on the internet, which is it's biggest selling point and it's biggest flaw.

Chatted to many people that claimed to be sub, but were instead just happy to be spanked, or called names.  I needed more.  And the longer it went, the less hopeful I became.

I made friends on there, of course. I'm fairly personable and if you treat me right, I'll treat you right. Piss me off, or worse, piss off my friends or family, and we got a problem.  But one girl on there was very sweet to talk to.  Her name was Alex (it wasn't, but that was her psuedonym) and she was 17 at the time. She had a boyfriend, so it wasn't as if anything was going to come from it, and of course, she lived bloody miles away.

So my search continued, while my friendship with Alex blossomed.  She had turned 18 and It was about that time I was asked to go to Bristol/Cardiff to help out over there for a few months, and started using the name 'Khaos'.

By this stage, we were trusting each other enough to text (and again, back then, free texting was unheard of, so this was a big thing for both of us).  I can't remember exactly how it happened but I think it was a game of Truth or Dare one night.  Boredom has a lot to answer for...

We found out more about each other that night, than the weeks previously.  She was clearly a submissive but hadn't explored that side of her sexuality.  She wanted to be tied up, abused, called a slut, fucked up the arse, treated like a whore, and much more.  I was shocked. Shocked and horny, of course.  She found out how much all that turned me on.  We started leaving filthy voice mails to each other (and yes, we were both still with our partners at the time, shamefully) but this was what I needed to be.  I needed to be Dominant, I needed a sub to explore my darker side.  OUR darker sides.  And fucking hell, she was perfect.

But how could we meet?  She was with her boyfriend, I had my girlfriend... Plus money wasn't exactly flowing for either of us.  It was impossible.  So we carried on, online, by text, over the phone.  In doing so, I learned a valuable lesson about BDSM that I still live by.

It's all in the mind.

Your submission is a gift to give, not to be taken.  A sub controls her submission, and no matter how big or Dominant you act, she may not feel submissive towards you.  It's the words you use, the way you give commands and how you handle her.  That's what a LOT of the fake online Doms simply don't get.  You don't click your fingers and a sub falls to her knees. (Well, fake ones do but they're just as bad)

With Alex, we had a mental connection.  I still didn't really know what she looked like (not having MMS, or able to scan photos back then) but I had her description in my mind always.

Time moved on and I met a submissive, called Sally and Alex was starting to come out of her shell, experimenting with her BF.  Sally and I didn't last long, as she was in Oxford at Uni, I was in London and getting time alone wasn't easy.  After we decided it wasn't working, I went back and looked for other subs online, still crazy about Alex but knowing full well I could never have her physically.

No-one else came close to her.  One sub even made me so pissed off that I decided that I would never touch BDSM again, as it was full of mind-fuckery and players.  I rebounded so hard back into the vanilla world that when I met Charley, I just said, "this'll do".

Massive, massive mistake.  It didn't take me long to realise what a great many of the people reading this already know.  When you experience the BDSM lifestyle and enjoy it, you can never leave.  Once you know you're a Dom/Master/Domme/Top/etc or a sub/bottom/slave/etc it's pointless to try and deny it.  You are who you are.  I often suspect that many people's sexualities should include BDSM as a choice (not just gay/straight/bi) because BDSM can open many possibilities in a relationship.  But I'm digressing (and might make a good blog for another day!)

I was with Charley and outwardly happy.  She asked to move in with me after 3 months (alarm bells!) and wanted to get engaged a little while after that (alarm bells!) but I was so confused about what I wanted, I just went along with it.  Alex and I rarely talked anymore.  I was not allowed on MSN or any chatrooms, and Charley was forever checking my phone for texts or calls (ALARM BELLS!!!)

But I needed her.  Sex with Charley was insanely ordinary.  I had to close my eyes, think of porn, think of anal, think of Alex to ever climax.  Charley was happy to just lay there, hated giving oral sex, hated porn and as for even being spanked, or cuffed?  That was for perverts.

By now, I was working elsewhere and was given a work mobile.  Could this be the answer?  I e-mailed Alex, hoping she still accessed that address.  She did.  Swapped numbers and began talking again, almost as if we'd never parted.

I did marry Charley (fucking idiot) and carried on talking to Alex. A year or so later, my phone was upgraded.  And it had a camera.  So did Alex's phone...  One night, we were texting, and we were flirting.  I asked to see her tits.  She showed me, but had her hand covering her nipples.  I was masturbating, and showed her my cock...  She responded with another pic, this time, without hands.

Her breasts were magnificent.  So full and suckable. I wish I had been able to keep that picture, but it was my work phone and Charley could just decide to search it anytime.

I also saw Alex and she was gorgeous.

The pictures weren't being sent back and forth too much, it was expensive and risky.  But we did what we could.

Yes, Charley DID find out and again, Alex and I had to say our goodbyes.  So it was e-mail only (from work, of course).  Eventually, I got sick enough of being with Charley that I ended the marriage (I will blog about that one day too, nothing is as straightforward as it sounds!)

Alex wasn't happy with talking again, as I had treated her shamefully.  So I let her know I was around if she needed a friend to talk to...  And during the year between dumping Charley and finding Mindy (my next sub) we repaired our relationship, even if it was nothing like as intense as it was in the beginning.

We've grown apart in the years that followed.  She's still with her BF that she was with since we started talking.  I've had a marriage (shudder) and several subs in that time.  But she will always be my first.

I mean, come on.  With breasts like these?  (And yes, I have permission to show these.)

She is on Twitter and maybe one day she'll come out to play with you all!

We have an agreement that we only do online BDSM when I don't have a sub, and the times I do, we stay strictly friends only.  It's only fair and right.

So Alex, thank you for being you.  Thank you for helping me be the Dom I am, and aim to become.  You're an inspiration and a dirty bitch ;)

Even though we may never meet, I will always treasure our friendship.

Thank you all for reading.

-K-